I bet you’ve had those moments too.
Those moments when you felt elated, confident, excited, proud.
You got rave reviews on that presentation you just did.
They said yes to your idea.
You got asked to take the lead in that project.
And those experiences might lead you to think that you felt elated, excited, proud BECAUSE you got those rave reviews, the yesses or the asks to lead.
But the truth is – it’s NOT the rave reviews, the yesses or the asks that are creating your feel-good and confidence.
It’s what’s going on inside your brain in those moments that is creating your feel-good and confidence.
You get the rave review.
And then you think – This is so awesome! They think I’m so good at this. I am awesome.
They say yes to your idea.
And then you believe – This is so awesome! They value me. I am awesome.
They ask you to lead that project.
And then you think – This is so awesome! They believe in me. I am awesome.
And THAT is why you feel good and confident.
Because of the words in YOUR brain in that moment.
NOT because of the rave reviews, the yesses or the asks to lead.
Those are merely the triggers, but NOT the reason why you feel good and confident.
Yet often we believe that our feel-good and confidence DO come from the rave review, the yes or the ask to lead.
And so we might come to the conclusion that in order to feel elated, confident, excited, proud, we NEED to create more of those rave reviews, yesses and asks to lead.
We start to believe that we need to be perfect every time we give a presentation.
That we need to have every idea accepted.
That we need to be asked to lead over and over again.
Which creates this tricky interdependence between what other people do or say and how we feel about ourselves.
We – wrongly – start to believe “They loved my presentation. AND THEREFORE I am awesome.”
We – wrongly – start to believe “They value me. AND THEREFORE I am awesome.”
We – wrongly – start to believe “They believe in me. AND THEREFORE I am awesome.”
All of a sudden, it seems as if we need to start chasing the rave reviews, the yesses and the asks to lead in order to feel good.
We let OUR value be determined by THEIR words.
We let OUR value be determined by what THEY might be thinking about us.
We let our value be determined by external events – their words, their behavior.
Which puts us, our confidence and our feel-good-about-ourselves at the mercy of what they do or say.
And so what happens when they don’t like the presentation?
When they ask a question you don’t have the perfect answer to?
When they don’t like your idea?
When they ask someone else to lead that project?
You conclude that you are NOT awesome.
Your feel-good and confidence take a dive.
NOT because you are not awesome.
But because you started using THEIR words + actions as a measure of your awesomeness.
You feel deflated, like a failure, inadequate.
NOT because you are not awesome.
But because you let YOUR confidence + feel-good depend on THEIR words + actions.
But here’s the truth – your feel-good and confidence are an inside job.
Something you generate.
And something only you can generate.
Not by chasing outside approval, rave reviews, yesses, compliments or getting asked to lead.
But by creating inside approval.
What would change in your life if you would not need their validation to feel confident + good about yourself?
What would change for you at work if you would NOT need their compliments, yesses or asks to feel good about yourself?
Really consider that.
And know that you are in charge of your feel-good and confidence.
You don’t need their collaboration for that.